I am carrying all my emotions in my head right now. And no, I don't mean that the way I would usually mean it, that I'm stuck in my head and am intellectualising everything. It's that all the physical sensations of my emotions seem to be focused on my head; there's all this angry tension in the back of my neck going up to the base of my skull and lurking under my ears and in my temples.. while my eyes feel hot and dry, like I'm about to burst into tears any second now but without any real reason. This is the sadness which is not glorious, and of which I do not approve. Welcome to another post-therapy afternoon, in which emotions are raised but (as so often happens) not released. Usually they just ricochet around in my stomach for a while and then settle down again, but today for some reason they've all taken up residence in my skull, and I am walking very carefully since my head feels all unbalanced.

A few hour of being gone, and now I'm back. There were a few work interrupts -- imagine, people actually wanting me to participate in worklike activities -- and a lot of online ranting. I feel a bit bad about the latter, since I ranted an awful lot at Marith, who may perhaps have found it useful but certainly didn't deserve to have all that unresolved angry neck-tension pointed in her direction. She says it was useful, though, so I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I don't like myself much when I'm like that, but I suppose I ought to learn, both to like myself when I'm ranty and angry and to take it out on virtual targets rather than in misguided (even if useful) attempts to change my friends. At least my emotions have moved out of my head now and hanging out in my whole body as they ought to.

One of my work interruptions today was actually nice; it was Moria coming by to show me the weird and interesting Japanese stationary she'd bought at a store called Moida, which is very near to where we work and apparently sells stickers and notebooks and all that sort of thing, with a focus on Japanese stuff. She said there were many stickers of cartoon characters, so sometime I must make the time to go there and see if there's anything anime-related that I recognise. Plus paper stores are nice in general; there's something very satisfying to me about buying stationery even when I know how slowly I'll actually use it.

I talked to a recruiter this morning, and I'm talking to another one in about an hour, which means I ought to go home pretty soon. Part of my rantfulness is the resentment I feel at having to look for a job right now, when my life is filled with wonderful housethings. Why couldn't they have made the decision to cancel my project at some point more personally convenient to me? Sheesh.

And oh I smell food. Food food food. My sense of smell has been working much better in the last few weeks, which is weird given that it's the depth of allergy season and my nose is constantly stuffed up. Regardless, I am smelling more and different things, or maybe just (remember this?) noticing smells much more than I ever had before. Right now I smell something foodlike which makes me think of microwaved pasta. Indeed, I do think I need to go home right now so I can have a snack before I talk to the recruiter. Just a snack, though; I've been threatening to cook all week, and tonight I want to actually do so. And it's a good excuse to play with the recipe software I downloaded, even if I know I'm only going to cook something blindingly simple like spaghetti.

PS: If one doesn't close one's tables, the margin quote becomes accurate. Beware self-fulfilling prophecies.