We begin with a long quote:

I found that out after I met Akira. And no, that's not because he and I joined together to create a wonderful new family or something soupy like that. It was because only after I met Akira did I truly understand what they mean when they say that all you really have is yourself. That's a terribly lonely realization. Despite my mother and my father and the village, despite the apartment I share with Akira, I am the only one in the world who knows what's best for me. I'm just here, deciding things I need to decide for myself.

It's difficult for me to explain.

I am my own home, and this is where I belong, and things keep going forward, endlessly, just as the blue of the sky before the dawn soon turns into a bright sunrise, each with its own beauty. That kind of thing.

From "Blood and Water" by Banana Yoshimoto.

It's not that it's any more relevant right now than it is any other time (it's always relevant). It's just that after therapy today, intense and tearful as it was, I want to fill the world with beautiful things to make up for all the past ugliness I am still realising. Norm and I at the very end talked about how spending time sorting through the ugly things can make you forget that they happened a long time ago and aren't part of the real world anymore; they're just memories, leftover emotions and stuff that need to be worked through. I think of it like cleaning up a hard disk, sometimes; old stuff needs to be sorted through, categorised, and largely deleted so that cool new stuff can take its place. It's good to realise this is possible and has been happening. It's good to know that the real world, the now world, is a beautiful place, where 'the blue of the sky before the dawn soon turns into a bright sunrise'. That's where I choose to live.

Back, from a meeting in which much snideness about our overmanagers and their corporate controllers was vented. I think Tony was glad to hear us being so forthrightly distrustful and angry about many of the things going on; it seemed like he was feeling rather alone in fighting the good fight, and now he at least knows that the people he manages are upset and that he is actually representing them in attempting to get wrongs righted and so forth. It definitely felt good to me to be able to speak openly about things that I'd been sitting on. Not that any of this is going to keep me from leaving, but it does make the job-searching period easier.

Speaking of Tony, he has just appeared to do a 1:1 with me. I go, I go, look how I go.

And back again, warm from the sun and tired from walking. Tony is nice. I'm too tired to want to type much; I just want to sit here and swing my legs, websurfing, and then go home to play with the computer some more. I finished Might & Magic 8 last night, so I can at long last start on some of the other games which have accured. Jim bought me the Ultima Collection, so I installed Ultima 1 and played around with it last night; extremely cute retro stuff, but not enough to obsess me. However, Marith loaned me SMAC (Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri; I have no idea why the short version isn't just 'Alpha Centauri' but everyone was calling it SMAC online and it stuck in my brain) and the Might & Magic archives; I figure that switching between SMAC and Ultima as the mood takes me will be a good thing. And Dave promised to lend me more games as I need them, which is nice, since they're awfully expensive to experiment with. I must save my buying-things-randomly money for anime.

The chocolate chocolate chunk cookies are good. I gave in and had one today. Just one, though; I was pretty full of apples and danish.