To: lira-kin@flick.com Subject: What is the opposite of disillusioned? Date: Wed, 09 Jul 97 10:56:14 -0700 From: Liralen Li One that doesn't mean hopelessly optimistic, either. Just spent four days at a SF con and I'm feeling whatever that word is. Not that I am terribly illusioned, either. 'What is' seems to be this complicated and clever balance and dance between 'what one might dream of' and 'what one would fear'. Spider Robinson said it very well in the following: http://psg.com/~ted/spider/srPandora.html WesterCon was very sweet. It's been a long time since I've gone to an SF con just for the sake of the con, partially since it's been a very long time since I've read much for fun. Yeah. One great good boon that I got from the Carpel Tunnel stuff was the simple time to read when I could do nothing else. I'd get a heavy book to hold open the book I was reading (remember, no pinching action, as that's the same tendons and bones that are used for typing) and go at it for days, especially for the week that I was out with bronchitus as well. No breathing, no usage of the hands, what do you do? Watching TV the whole time would probably have caused me to blow my brains out, so I figured out a way to read without hands, Ma! What was sweetest, though, was the new infusion of hope. Several sources a few were close to my heart and home, and a few were very far away. I reread all the Diane Duane that I have, and then read a whole bunch of Mrs. Pollifax books. Then James Walden, as he rushed back to Pittsburgh to do his defence of his PhD thesis, shoved half a dozen Lois McMaster Bujold books into my hands, an author that Carl Rigney had also recommended a while back, and I spent most of the Con gathering my own copies of those books and the rest of the series as well. Now I'm reading 'em at a rate of nearly two a night. Ooops... that's Dr. James Walden to me and you. Congratulations, my friend. The Con itself was a catalyst... filled with people that wrecked changes on my soul Mostly because my soul was weary and ready for the change. The most forceful one was one Steven Barnes, who taught, as ever, the morning tai chi class with all the philosophy of a fine master of a soft art. I remembered a lot thorugh the keyed references he made to a lot of the things I'd learned the first two years I spent on tai chi of the Yang style. He was teaching the other, which perked my interest as I'd never seen it in action before... and it was far more contained, in some ways. Three things I remember from Steven. One was that all people should have a balance of two things: "I *love* you!" and "I will kill you if you fuck with me." I've always been a high proponent of the first, too much to my own detriment as I've found out in the last five years... and the only place the second has ever shown up has been on the soccer field, but it's a lesson that I may well need to carry into my 'real' life. Self-defence isn't always just physical. The second is a small lesson on masks. I found a place with a tree and occassional people, and I started talking to the tree, and as people wandered by, I felt the old defenses, the masks fall into place. I am a creature who desires to be what other people want... I learned that hard, doing that. Eventually, I realized I didn't really want to even follow Steven's advice and stopped talking to the tree, as trees don't talk. But the amount of energy I spend on being what other people expect me to be is huge, and probably better spent on honing myself into what I want to be. The third is the old, old lesson I've had to keep repeating over and over again... that will does find a way. Start with my intent and the action will just flow through the opening that my will makes. There were a lot of cool panels... many of which contained JMS, the creator of Babelon 5. He is a very sharp and snide and smart man. It was very fun watching the interplay between Joe and Barnes and the lady script coordinator for Highlander. He also had some stories that made me laugh so hard I nearly cried in the Bab 5 presentations. If you're going to the San Diego Comicon, go see him! One panel that was very healing for me was the one about how to be creative even if you're extraordinarily busy. There wre five authors up on the panel and they spoke of what really makes a 'writer', and the aspect of it that they covered in detail and which I'd never really even thought of was that you have to take care of yourself. You will be the source of all your work, and if you don't take care of that source, you'll destroy your work. And that there will be times when one cannot write, and that's okay, so long as you start writing again as soon as you can. That guilt is likely the biggest writers' block of all... They also had a lot of cool ideas on how to work writing into any routine, and I'll go with that and a few of the ideas are useable in my present situation. So that was another kind of hope. I can make the time. The other thing was the people that I got to meet at the Con, a whole lot of really neat and wonderful people, and I'd forgotten how nice it was to be with 'my tribe' again... Kirby and Ray and Chuck and Emily as well as Jeff and David as well as Steve and Peter and Don and most of all Regis and Jon were all most excellent company. Enthusiasm, fun, and exploration all rolled into a whole group of people, and it really made me realize how much I had in terms of relationships and the extraordinary *neatness* of my connections with people. Oops... I just realized that I likely missed Penny and Steve while they were out here for the Con. I'm sorry. Meep. Hrm... and Rick and Carla were out here as well... and I didn't get to see them, either. Talk about lots of keen people... My. All in all, though, it was a most excellent weekend. The weekend before it was nice as well, but it was up in Mt. Ranier national park and Friday and Saturday wer both really fun camping out in the camp sites of the park. Then on Saturday it started raining. How often do grownups stand out in the rain for hours and hours at a time on purpose? Not very. The night was interesting as it just rained harder. There were families that bailed out at 3 in the morning to go home, but we stuck it out until Sunday morning, packed up and had breakfast at a restaurant, drove home and then fell dead asleep for a good four or five hours before even unpacking the car. It was an adventure. Guess that's it for now... Other than many thanks to Cera for moving us to a more viable machine! hugs! Liralen ----- copyright 1997 by Liralen Li