The universe is thematically constructed so that whatever one begins to notice is suddenly everywhere to notice, which argues that many things are there all along, but one never notices them. Or, if you've been reading too much Greg Egan (or maybe too much Roland Omnes), it means that the universe is as we make it, quantum possibilities collapsing around us so that when we suddenly decide to notice something we create it throughout our lives. I may actually believe this latter, gentle reader, but only insofar as it has to do with emotional relationships and the like. The rest is just happenstance -- or, as noted above, the thematic construction of the universe, without which these journal entries (never mind a plethora of good books) could not be written.

The question of the day: what is meant when one says 'I do (did) this for no good reason.'? Is this a coded statement which means that there is a good reason, but one prefers not to state it? Does it mean the even trickier idea that there is a good reason but one is resistant to finding out what it is? Or is it just sheer laziness?

At an only slightly earlier point in this pink discourse, I wrote, "I make things hard on myself, maybe, for no good reason, but I do want to do everything right". And what did I mean? What I said, actually; that I think I might make things too hard on myself for no good reason. No good reason. I'm sure there's a reason there, but I'm pretty thoroughly sure it's not a good one -- in the sense of good being, oh, useful & helpful to me. Holding myself to standards which I am not going to meet immediately and thus never doing a thing I want to do from fear of failure -- what on earth could be a good reason for that?

But there are other sense of 'good', I suppose. If one believes that everything one is exists because at some time it served some purpose, filled some need, then I suppose whatever the reason is that I am (maybe) too hard on myself, it was a good one at some point. But as with many things, I'm not sure what I believe, if anything.

All right. Enough of all this.

I'm making a list of things I love at Lush, for regis to pick up for me this weekend when she goes there, and then I'll give her money and she'll send me stuff. Wonderful stuff, like jasmine bath bombs and sea vegetable soap and violet bubble bath. Then I can take long leisurely baths in my wonderful new house, making everything smell like food and flowers, confusing the cats greatly. Jinian will never understand while I willingly submit myself to such torture as immersion in water, whereas Michiru always seems to think it's a very good idea, and dips in one paw cheerfully, then another, until suddenly her paws are all cold and wet and she is forced to clean them. Sometimes she doesn't even clean them, merely walks across any nearby human that can be found, apparently delighting in the sounds caused when cold clammy kittenpaws interact with human flesh. What a wonderful thing, to be small and furry and the centre of the world.

Why is it that long baths and hardwood floors go together? Add in a few burning candles, maybe some music, a good book... heaven.

My massage therapist's condo always smells so wonderful. It would be nice to duplicate that.

The weather is finally beautiful again, which means very warm and sunny. In a month I will be tired of it, but for the moment I am languid, basking in the warmth, glad for beautiful blue skies and heavy sweet smells of flowers. Sometime soon I will go to a park and swing back and forth, high and low, laughing breathlessly, and then sit under a tree or three and remember how to enjoy late spring all over again.