Tiffany's Amber

Tiffany's Amber #12:
Carribean Blue

Q: "Where am I?"
A: "You are in the Village."
Q: "What do you want?"
A: "Food."
Q: "You won't get it!"

This Tiffany's Amber brought to you by
"The Prisoner II"
Coming soon to a television near you.

With this Tiffany's Amber, I would like to announce the creation of the 'Half-Dead Desdinova Foundation.' This charitable organization is dedicated to, well, making sure that Desdinova is half-dead at all times, but more importantly to funding our wizards as they deserve. I can't name any names, but careful study of last Sunday's Washington Post will reveal a photograph of several members of the Amber wiz- corps rooting through piles of garbage at the edge of a large town in the Phillipines, hoping to find scraps that they can sell to, well, pay for their accounts, and maybe food if there's anything left over.

The Half-Dead Desdinova Foundation will, of course, graciously accept all contributions. In addition, it will raise funds through the sale of AmberMUSH related items, such as the official AmberMUSH accordion, 'Eyes That Pierce Your Very Soul' T-shirts, and the Amber Duck. (*)

(*) For those of you who don't know what an Amber Duck is, don't ask.

Tiffany's Amber has obtained, excitingly, a partial catalogue of the Half-Dead Desdinova Foundation's product line, complete except for the pages that were ripped out by aliens and their weasels. Read on ...

"My Little Assassin"

Kids will love "My Little Assassin" ... a cute rubber doll that really kills! Programmed with the addresses of every AmberMUSH player (save, of course, for the wizards, because killing them would render the whole foundation moot), this toy is the perfect way to get rid of any player who gets on your bad side.

Some of the new features not seen in earlier products (such as Mattel's "My Little Serial Killer" and Parker Brothers' "Arm the Assassin" game) include realistic body hair and 'magic poison daggers' that can paralyze your parents or your boss for up to three hours. Stab your boss! Backstab your friends! It's all so simple with "My Little Assassin."

"Soft Caps"

Get them while they're hot! Each of these cozy plush caps contains a timer that automatically lets you know what your stat caps would be if you weren't a pathetic Shadow human. Do you think you've been around long enough for an 80? Check your cap! The LCD display is centrally located, and can be seen at any time by rolling your eyes way up and removing an intervening bit of skull. Includes a twenty-month warranty, at which time it will be automatically replaced by a 'hard cap' ... your choice of a yellow hard hat or a red plastic fireman's cap. Contrary to rumor, new caps do not come with their own heads, as it was decided that this might disgust the clientele.

AmberMUSH Bulletin Boards

Do you run or equip an office? Do you ever catch yourself wondering, "Why is it that all our notes are on a centralized bulletin board that anyone can read without getting their lazy behinds in gear and running from one place to another?" If so, you need the official AmberMUSH bulletin board system. Each set consists of ten bulletin boards, each set up to magnetically repel the others. Hang them here! Hang them there! Hang them anywhere, as long as you never put two close enough together to be seen simultaneously! Buy AmberMUSH bulletin boards! It could be the last mistake you will ever make.

The AmberMUSH Certification Course

It is a sad sign of our times that many people are playing AmberMUSH with no qualifications at all. Businesses tend to just ... let ... their employees log on to AmberMUSH, without the slightest thought to what an undertrained AmberMUSHer could do to their corporate reputation. Do we want this state of affairs to continue? The Half-Dead Desdinova Foundation says "No!" Accordingly, we are offering the official AmberMUSH Certification Course for just half our usual generous price! Those lofty beings who complete this course, which takes approximately two weeks, will receive an official Certified AmberMUSHer Certificate, and will be eligible to continue playing AmberMUSH.

"I Can't Believe It's Not Pattern!"

Smooth. Creamy. Electric Blue. Those of you who have tried Pattern cuisine have always known that there was nothing to compare with it ... until now. "I Can't Believe It's Not Pattern" offers the same nutrition and stability that a regular or warped Pattern offers, with only half the Veils! Included with every "I Can't Believe It's Not Pattern" box are delicious recipes, from 'Vanilla Pattern Surprise' to 'Lens Cakes'. Advanced users will be able to find 'shortcuts' through the digestive system that allow the digestion of "I Can't Believe It's Not Pattern" in record time.

The Breakfast of Champions

Start your day right with "Gerard-Os", the only cereal made with real leather. (Except for, well, Frosted Mini-Wheats.) Each tough flake and every marshmallow muscle is an individual challenge, and, because Gerard is the only person known to be able to finish off a whole bowl, every box can last an eternity!

Nap Alarm

Has this ever happened to you? You'll be sitting, happily AmberMUSHing at about four o'clock in the morning, when, suddenly, you fall asleep? Well, worry no more! With the official AmberMUSH nap alarm, you will be gently reawakened by your choice of klaxons every time you snore! If you don't snore, then the Half-Dead Desdinova Foundation recommends you start ... it's a fast-moving world, and you better move with it.



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Tiffany's Amber #12 / Flick Inc / © Copyright 1993 Keely Christa Danine
Last modified: January 27, 1997 /